You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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