I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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