he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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