i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
