i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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