I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
