im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
