Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
