Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
