3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I want her autograph on my taint
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
