WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize