We won't sleep together?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize