Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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