i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
