3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
