I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
