Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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