I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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