Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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