Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
