If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
