I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
