i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
