The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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