I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
