3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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