So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize