If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Never let your siblings swipe right.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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