So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
