I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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