i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Of course I have a pirate flag
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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