Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
