She said her name was "party"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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