I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
