I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Randomize
