Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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