but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
