well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
