She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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