I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You dont lie about slip and slides
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
