I'm gonna have a badass scar
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
