Your mouth is God's brothel.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
