There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
