I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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