my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
