Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
