You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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