By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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