Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
