I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
