what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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