he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Randomize