went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dicks are not precious.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize