its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
