And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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