if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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