the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
