Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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