I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
