I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
